plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock

It is unbelievable how young I am able to feel. For the first time in a long time, this is not a good thing.


When I was younger, I fantasized about... entertaining much older men. Even admitting this now, I do not feel remotely ashamed. I never wanted to maliciously lure a stagnant paedophile. I wanted the attention, and I wanted to be touched. More than a few people have suggested this is because of the lack of a strong or stable father figure in my life. I'm not too interested in the why of it.

I keep thinking of that now, and how that has transitioned to my attraction to much older men, because I can no longer entertain men of that particular nature. It is still just... attraction. And nothing more.



I am attracted to the person I am dating.
I am not attracted to myself. I cannot stifle the hatred for more than a few hours before I am gagging from the severity. How can I keep this when I am still puffed up, huge and grotesque, filled to the brim and still opening, chewing, swallowing, repeat, repeat, repeat...?
I miss the quiet. And the grey. I miss when I knew time had passed only because the numbers had changed.

I've made me weak, he's helped... but I need to relearn strength. I need it more than anything else.

beautiful things aren't.

Why should I do this now.

I had the steps in order. Everything was set up just so. No, no - it was close, though.

How do you tell someone you would rather die than sleep with them.
Not even a question. Statements. I don't want to see my psychologist anymore. I want to go to Seattle. I want to drown in a lake like all good girls do. I want a scar that runs from my larynx to my sternum, strand of silver and deep purple.



He gives me a necklace I can't remove, of plum and berry, blush, jaundice yellow. It's enough for the moment until I'm alone. I feel the teeth until they're gone. I can't hold onto it as long as I'd like.

This new punishment isn't enough.
I need to think.




I wasn't supposed to be so permanent.

sleeping beauty

I went to the ER 2 nights ago. I told them I was 100 pounds and it wasn't a lie because I am that fat.
I couldn't breathe and it's still... difficult.

I had some sort of severe anxiety attack due to stress and insomnia. They gave me some Ativan and painkillers for the chest pain. The chest x-ray and EKG show everything normal. So now I just... sleep all the time.
I guess it beats eating.
My chest doesn't hurt anymore but everything else does.

adamant

I want to hurt people and myself.

I don't have anything new to say. It's always the same.

I try, I fail. I tell myself I never really tried so I will always fail. The outcome is always the same. Even when I don't want something different it's a disappointment.

I do not want this.