let me just die, die, rot
i'm awful and it's true that i am
i want to be bones in the ground, teeth on pavement, girl in river with lake water eyes
gone

i don't ever learn, unbroken circle, there's no point none

plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock

It is unbelievable how young I am able to feel. For the first time in a long time, this is not a good thing.


When I was younger, I fantasized about... entertaining much older men. Even admitting this now, I do not feel remotely ashamed. I never wanted to maliciously lure a stagnant paedophile. I wanted the attention, and I wanted to be touched. More than a few people have suggested this is because of the lack of a strong or stable father figure in my life. I'm not too interested in the why of it.

I keep thinking of that now, and how that has transitioned to my attraction to much older men, because I can no longer entertain men of that particular nature. It is still just... attraction. And nothing more.



I am attracted to the person I am dating.
I am not attracted to myself. I cannot stifle the hatred for more than a few hours before I am gagging from the severity. How can I keep this when I am still puffed up, huge and grotesque, filled to the brim and still opening, chewing, swallowing, repeat, repeat, repeat...?
I miss the quiet. And the grey. I miss when I knew time had passed only because the numbers had changed.

I've made me weak, he's helped... but I need to relearn strength. I need it more than anything else.

beautiful things aren't.

Why should I do this now.

I had the steps in order. Everything was set up just so. No, no - it was close, though.

How do you tell someone you would rather die than sleep with them.
Not even a question. Statements. I don't want to see my psychologist anymore. I want to go to Seattle. I want to drown in a lake like all good girls do. I want a scar that runs from my larynx to my sternum, strand of silver and deep purple.



He gives me a necklace I can't remove, of plum and berry, blush, jaundice yellow. It's enough for the moment until I'm alone. I feel the teeth until they're gone. I can't hold onto it as long as I'd like.

This new punishment isn't enough.
I need to think.




I wasn't supposed to be so permanent.

sleeping beauty

I went to the ER 2 nights ago. I told them I was 100 pounds and it wasn't a lie because I am that fat.
I couldn't breathe and it's still... difficult.

I had some sort of severe anxiety attack due to stress and insomnia. They gave me some Ativan and painkillers for the chest pain. The chest x-ray and EKG show everything normal. So now I just... sleep all the time.
I guess it beats eating.
My chest doesn't hurt anymore but everything else does.

adamant

I want to hurt people and myself.

I don't have anything new to say. It's always the same.

I try, I fail. I tell myself I never really tried so I will always fail. The outcome is always the same. Even when I don't want something different it's a disappointment.

I do not want this.

ho hum.

nettles and thorns.

I got ill enough to lose weight and now I don't want it back.
I've had so many compliments in the last few days I'm dizzy with absolute trauma it creates inside of me.

I'm adorable.




No. Not really. You do not adore me. Do you?
It's difficult for me to believe I can be more than just the wild girl who crawled out of the woods. To be amongst people.


I still hate it.