It is unbelievable how young I am able to feel. For the first time in a long time, this is not a good thing.
When I was younger, I fantasized about... entertaining much older men. Even admitting this now, I do not feel remotely ashamed. I never wanted to maliciously lure a stagnant paedophile. I wanted the attention, and I wanted to be touched. More than a few people have suggested this is because of the lack of a strong or stable father figure in my life. I'm not too interested in the why of it.
I keep thinking of that now, and how that has transitioned to my attraction to much older men, because I can no longer entertain men of that particular nature. It is still just... attraction. And nothing more.
I am attracted to the person I am dating.
I am not attracted to myself. I cannot stifle the hatred for more than a few hours before I am gagging from the severity. How can I keep this when I am still puffed up, huge and grotesque, filled to the brim and still opening, chewing, swallowing, repeat, repeat, repeat...?
I miss the quiet. And the grey. I miss when I knew time had passed only because the numbers had changed.
I've made me weak, he's helped... but I need to relearn strength. I need it more than anything else.
